Smarts

I know I'm all inspiration and everything with my hope for the future, but you should know I'm having a very hard time right now - crying by accident in public, on conference calls, etc. In short, I'm becoming the person you've known and loved for some time, but that corporate American has only heard tell of.

The first couple days post-canning were basically awesome. Yeah, I was getting the can, but everyone loved me! Yeah, I was sad, but I was surrounded by people speaking superlatively of me! I felt really hopeful and excited! A few days in though, everyone had said all they could say and I was forced to reckon with the painful reality.

Oh, the painful reality. It smarts so!

I think all the kind words from my colleagues sort of covered up the part where I'm wounded right now. My pride is hurt. I was working really hard and facts are facts: What's happened feels really bad.

Also, I get a lot of self-esteem from my work. Even though, in my heart of hearts, I know my colleagues value my work, there's a pretty big part of me that doesn't feel very valued. Man, this is fucking hard!

Whenever there's a decision to be made, my mother always says, "Go with your peace." I.e., Do whatever thing feels peaceful, not fearful or anxious. When I think of all my options, there's only one that I have any peace about. I think the Universe is pointing the way.

More to come when I know for sure.